Friday, January 14, 2011

It's Time To Get Personal

Tonight’s post is to get me in the writing mood again. I also thought I might get a little more personal than I normally do. I try to stay away from sharing too much (believe it or not) beyond our fascination with this part of the country. But I've been feeling a little sorry for myself lately and sometimes it feels good to wallow. I’m overwhelmed with how behind I am on my blog. There is so much to write and so many pictures to post that I’ve found the easiest solution is to ignore it. Of course, that makes everything that much worse. I don’t want to gloss over the past couple of months; I want to record what October through December looked like for me in the Pacific Northwest because it was amazing. I had a great time this fall and want to record it for posterity and share it with you. I believe I have a fair amount of time this weekend to catch up, so my hope is to make a dent in this blog over the next few days.

I've been trying to figure out why I don't keep up with my blog. I've started to realize that I fill my weeks with binges of distractions and then binges of laziness to recover from the busy days. I keep myself too busy to blog and during my few hours between work, chores, and runs, I tend to veg out and ignore doing anything productive. I distract myself so I don't have time to think too much. But the funny thing about trying NOT to think about something in particular is that it ends up being all you can think about. I try not to think about how crappy it is that my husband and I have jobs with opposite schedules and barely see each other. I try not to think about how I am in a job that doesn't challenge me or allow me to live up to my potential. I try not to think about money and how just when we think we're getting ahead, something like medical bills or car repairs puts us back again. But most of the time I try not to think about infertility. I fail the most at this one - infertility takes up the majority of my thoughts. I can't even begin to describe the emotions involved in our journey to grow our family; infertility changes you forever. We're ridiculously in love with each other and deserve to share that love with children. Two years down, several more to go until we can afford the next step. How is that fair?

So in my efforts to move pass my bitter disappointment that life does not follow my perfect timeline that I envisioned a decade ago, I binge on distractions - on training for marathons, on planning my next local day trip, on watching new movies, on knitting scarfs, on reading The Economist, on going out to dinner with friends. And the distractions make me happy. But sometimes, when I stop and take a breath, I start thinking. And I get sad. I'm thinking a lot lately. I need to add a new distraction - perhaps updating my blog more?

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